Don't be jealous...but I'm a dork at work.

So do you know the show the Office and the main character - the Branch Manager - Michael Scott. Well, basically he is wack and immature and says crazy stupid stuff all the time and doesn't realize how lame he is. Well, I just realized THAT IS ME!!! At the office I am always trying to make jokes at work, I dance and will sing out loud and call everyone Hookers!! Not exactly professional. What got me today was how often I made gangsta references like Peace Out Homies and my favorite - Word to ya motha.

Do you know how often I yell out "your mother" when someone asks someone else who is on the phone - they are not even talking to me.

I make sales calls all day and when someone is the least bit rude to me - I hang up the phone and yell "Rude! Hooker". Are you wondering why I've not climbed the corporate ladder.

Just today someone told me quote "don't ever do that again." I had just busted out a raise the roof dance move - hands in the air and everything.

It is refreshing. I don't pretend to be anyone I'm not. I say what I mean and mean what I say. And whether they are laughing out of pity for me or not - everyone around me does seem to be laughing. I just hope it is with me and not at me.

So here is a clip of what I look like at work. Dancing around looking crazy. Enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWM2svcYK4I

I'm banning clothes!!

So don't be jealous, but I'm fat. No, don't send me comments saying how I'm not fat or I'm just womanly (another word for fat a**). My son calls me fluffy - but it is still plain old fat. It is not my body or fat that I have an issue with though. It's CLOTHES. They are the enemy or better yet - the people that manufacture these clothes - so let's take for example the Chinese. Don't you have like 4 sizes in your closet that you can wear? Well, so do I. And each time I go to try on clothes - I have to get a bigger size - but I'm not getting fatter!!! The Chinese are doing this to mess with the Americans - really I think I'm onto something. There is a sweet little Chinese woman laughing so hard her green tea is shooting out her nose right now because she is putting a size 12 on a size 6 pair of jeans. I mean - there is no Regulatory system for this, no Federal Administration on sizing. So you walk into Target and try on your size 12 jeans - and you can't get them past your knees and then you're shopping at Lane Bryant. All because those jeans were really a size 6. And the Chinese know we are all hung up on sizing here. So next thing you know you are joining some health club - probably owned by a Chinese business man, eating green tea and tofu - get the picture. I say we don't stand for this anymore and go Pioneer on them and start making all of our own clothes. Go to Joann's - buy the Montgomery Ward pattern or whatever it is called and start making your own little dresses. Then you can put size 2 on all of them and feel better about yourself telling all of your friends that you are a size 2!!

** The above is intended for comedic purposes only. Margaret has nothing against China, Chinese people, Chinese goods or especially Chinese Food. Especially Egg Rolls.

Monday Morning Conversation

Me: Carson, do you want to get in bed with mommy and cuddle?

Carson: No thanks!

At least he was polite about it.

Things my son has said to me recently:

In no particular order:

You are the nicest mommy ever
You are mean
You are NOT the nicest mommy ever
You have the biggest tummy I have ever seen
Gross (as I kiss him)
I love you
I like your hair (i colored it brown) because BLACK is my favorite color (it's not black)
I liked your hair better yellow and shiny
Nice Try
Heifer (learned this from Pop and Gigi)
Hush it up
You look pretty today
You can go take a nap
Mommy, do you work

Got to love the mind of a 5 year old....

Book Update

Just a quick update on the reading of Sarah's Key. I am on page 50 of 298. I'm really into this book already - but I only read about 15 pages at a time - but hopefully I will finish this one before I forget what it is about. That is what usually happens. I read 50 pages and then don't pick it up again for 3 months and have to start over. Not with this one though...more updates to come.

Tampon anyone?

So today I had a presentation lunch for a client. When it is time to pay, I reach for my wallet out of my tiny Coach purse because all I could afford was the tiny one and out with my wallet comes my tampon. Yeah - fun times. It was just a table of 4 of us - so I'm sure the client saw - at least they were women and I'm sure thought nothing of it. My branch manager John on the other hand - just got this big eyed looked like "you are not whipping that thing out right here are you?". Fun times at lunch. Time to move all my belongings into my big JC Penney Purse.

Oh ya - and I didn't get to eat my Pasta Milano because I had to talk the whole time - go figure.

I'm tired

So my great dane - Duke a.k.a. you little m*f*er (that is how i say it) kept me up last night. The first time - I fed him again - "there you go baby - eat your chow chee". Nudge Nudge - "oh hi Duke - you want a chew bone - well, let's go it one downstairs, it is only 1 am...oh no, I wasn't busy JUST SLEEPING.. Nudge Nudge, Bark Bark - "you little m*f*er" He had chewed up one of Carson's toys. So I took him downstairs and got his kong (dog papi) and filled it with treats and peanut butter...this should keep him busy until Brad gets home around 3:30am.

I really want to read a book...

So this is probably not a big deal for most people, but if you know me, then you know I don't really read. I can technically read of course, or phonetically or whatever, but I just don't really like to read books or anything well, long. With all the talk of the book The Shack, I thought I might pick it up and give it a go. So tonight in Target I look over all the bestsellers. They all seem really interesting and - LONG. Not Tale of Two Cities long - but more than the typical magazie article I like to read. I pick up The Shack - it looks good enough - but not what I'm really into. So then I pick up The Secret Life of Bees - I've heard of this one, and then I see the note on the cover - coming soon as A Major Motion Picture. If it is about to be in a theater as a movie, why in the world would I waste countless days reading it - so I put that one down. I I finally decide on Sarah's Key. So - I will update you on how this book is...just stay tuned in about 6 months from now when I finish it.

Sarah's Key:
Paris, July 1942: Sarah, a ten year-old girl, is brutally arrested with her family by the French police in the Vel’ d’Hiv’ roundup, but not before she locks her younger brother in a cupboard in the family's apartment, thinking that she will be back within a few hours.Paris, May 2002: On Vel’ d’Hiv’s 60th anniversary, journalist Julia Jarmond is asked to write an article about this black day in France's past. Through her contemporary investigation, she stumbles onto a trail of long-hidden family secrets that connect her to Sarah. Julia finds herself compelled to retrace the girl's ordeal, from that terrible term in the Vel d'Hiv', to the camps, and beyond. As she probes into Sarah's past, she begins to question her own place in France, and to reevaluate her marriage and her life. Tatiana de Rosnay offers us a brilliantly subtle, compelling portrait of France under occupation and reveals the taboos and silence that surround this painful episode.

I think I broke my toe last night putting my pants on. My big toe - ouch. There might be a lawsuit in there somewhere - but more about that in a later blog. (I'm not making this stuff up people - things just happen to me... I have fallen down my stairs 3 times - in my own house - that doesn't include the countless stairs I've fallen down other places) And NO - I wasn't drinking!

My lucky day...

Don't be jealous... but I just got a jury summons in the mail. Yeah - lucky me. But don't worry - I will tell them that my husband is a police officer and that I think most people are very bad and deserve to go to jail, and with any luck - I'll get dismissed. Or, I could be sequestered for 6 weeks. If that happens, I will use all of my knowledge from watching CSI, Forensic Files, Cold Case and Dr. G Medical Examiner to decide the verdict.

typical night out

Carson and I are eating breadsticks at Pizza Hut for dinner. Well, not the REAL Pizza Hut, but the one at Target. Don't be jealous.