Where are my keys???

So I did it again today. Locked my keys in my car....while it was running....for over an hour. Okay, stop laughing now. This is really the second time I've done this, only this time I was "smart" enough to actually lock the door. Last time I apparantly just got up out of the car and went into the store, to return to my UNLOCKED running car. At least I bothered to actually park it and didn't just pull up and run in for a shopping trip.

So my solution...you know that thing that you tether yourself to when you are on a treadmill, so that in case you somehow fall off the thing, it automatically shuts off - yea, I need that for the car. Just a little tether strap around my wrist, so when I get out of the car, the keys come with me. That, or I need that keyless start on a NEW CAR. If only something would happen to my car now so that I could get a new car....hmmm.....clearly the criminals around here can't take a hint. Guess I need to leave a sign that says TAKE ME, I'M ALREADY RUNNING AND GASED UP!

Ladies Only

I've got some super romance tips for you ladies out there...Not so much things "to" do as things "not" to do.

1. some men are allergic to rose petals - so when you sprinkle them all over the sheets - husband could get a very red and annoying body rash - MOOD KILLER.

2. 15+ candles burning on glass shelves agaist a mirror may create a romantic mood, but also may eventually blow up at the worst time leaving you to spend the rest of the night cleaning glass shards from your carpet. NOT ROMANTIC

3. during "romance" time - all dogs should be locked out of the room because a fluffy white dog sniffing your husband's hiney is not a turn on...and if it is...you have bigger problems. DOG SNIFFING - NOT A TURN ON.

On a side note, if you need a reason to get out of the "romance"...lately I've been telling my husband that Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow and so will be hybernating for another several weeks - so we will not be seeing him anytime soon. It's a hybernation thing - can't mess with nature.

Oh wait, Punxatawny Phil is a ground hog, not a BEAVER! Darn, better go shave my legs.

one cool superhero

Spiderman Undies, plus new pirate sword, plus new green and black cowboys boots equals one cute superhero. FYI - that is ALL he is wearing and he is dancing to my new iTunes - Rihanna - "Shut up and drive". Funny thing is that the one time I went to a male strip club, I think the dancers were wearing the same get-up. Not cute on them...

Don't be jealous, but...

My family is break dancin to Freak Nasty's Da Dip...right now.

remember, "you put your hand upon my hip, when I dip you dip we dip"

Got to love Christmastime - what?

Thank you Secret Santa for Health!!

I love my gift and was so surprised when I found it outside my door one day. Very sneaky Santa.

Thanks again!!

i am THAT mom

I just found myself screaming this to Carson as I was washing dishes:

Carson...Carson...Carson - don't stand so close to the T.V., get your hands out of your pants and let the dog out!!

It took 3 "Carsons" to get him to turn around from watching rudolph on t.v. and when he turned around, i saw his hands down his pants - meanwhile Duke is clawing at the back door.

we did spend some quality time making brownies together for my work Christmas party tomorrow night - so this night wasn't a total mess.

time to call jenny

So, if I lay down flat on my bed, suck in all of my breath and don't breathe for about 3 minutes - I can zip up my FAT jeans. I'm afraid if I actually stood up, the button would pop off, fly across the room and knock out Carson's eye. Good luck explaining that to the ER. So I'm heading out in sweat pants - AGAIN. Don't be jealous.

sugar rush!

Don't be jealous but when Carson and I got home from family fun time with the Powell's at around 10pm last night - I got to clean up a whole bag of sugar that was ALL over my kitchen floor. And just FYI - sugar is not that easy to clean up. I had the brand new bag of sugar and a bag of chocolate chips out to make cookies today. Yes, you guessed it - Duke got a hold of it. You would think I would have learned my lesson after Duke ate our pumpkin bread off of the counter - but nope - I'm a slow learner. I didn't have to clean up any chocolate chips though because Duke ate them all. I called Brad right away to gripe and get sympathy and he was worried about Duke eating all of that chocolate. Whatever! If he dies - then at least he died eating chocolate, not the worst way to go, especially considering what I wanted to do to him right then.

Well, we got most of it cleaned up and saved the really bad stuff for Brad to clean up today since he didn't get home until 3:00 am. There is about a pound of sugar in Duke's cage right now...

I'm still waiting for Duke's sugar high to crash. He was so bad all night running around, barking, wanting in and out. It was kind of funny - okay - not it wasn't - I was tired and just wanted him to leave me alone.

So, if you want any cookies from me - feel free to come lick my kitchen floor because I'm not sure I'll ever get all of it up.

don't be jealous....

Don't be jealous but, I have lots to be thankful for...

Okay - so as I'm reading every one's sweet Thanksgiving blog - I thought I should show a "serious" side of me before I post all the nonsense of the Thanksgiving holiday!!

I'm thankful for:

My husband that does so much for us and loves so deeply and unconditionally.

My precious Carson for his laughter, love and cuddles when I can get them.

My family - extended family too that welcomes everyone with open arms & allows me to have my crazy sense of humor without banishing me from the family.

Okay, that is all I could think of that I was thankful for...(i couldn't be completely serious)

hmmm?

sorry about that last post. it was from Pierre, my 8 year old Bichon Frise. shame on him!! he knows he is banned from the computer ever since we found him googling "doggie style". at least Brad said it was him. hmmm, now i wonder?!?

don't be jealous but,

i sleep around 22 hours per day, eat, pee & poop (just about anywhere i want to) and lick myself. oh what a life...

LLama LLama Red Pajama

So if you know me, you know I love a good llama. So imagine my surprise and delight when my World Vision Sponsor Magazine came with the Christmas items we can purchase for our "adopted" child. Goats, chickens, soccer balls & LLamas!!! And they are only like $600. What a steal. Of course, my child is in Ethiopia - and I don't think they have Llamas there - but still - greatness. I wonder if I could buy one and have the "ship to" address come here. Wouldn't my husband be surprised Christmas morning.

Don't be jealous...

On a scale from 1 - 10....

So, my singles Sunday School class is going to have a reunion soon. These are friends from 10 years ago. I'm excited because most of these people I've not seen in 6+ years and have only really kept in touch with a few via e-mail. One of those is my ex-boyfriend. I mean a real ex - like we dated for a 1 1/2 years and were in love!!!

Now don't get me wrong - I love my husband - but girls - you know we have to look good for our ex boyfriends - right.

Well, here is the problem. I was a size 2 then, now I'm size %#@!.

On a scale from 1-10, how morally wrong is it to tell everyone at the reunion I'm 5 months pregnant? I mean - I won't see these people for at least another 6 years - by then they will have forgotten all about the other child I should have...right?!?

I know, I'm bad, very very bad.

Got hungry birds???

So don't be jealous, but I'm driving around with a 40lb bag of bird feed in my car. It is for work, don't ask? For those of you that may not know your poundage - that is A LOT of bird food...

The really sad and pathetic part is my weak body trying to lift this 40lb bag into my car at Target today. I looked like I was trying to shove a 200lb dead body in my car.

Don't be jealous but...

I think I have Plantar Fasciitis!

Snot nose

Remember how I don't like snotty noses. Well, I've had a cold for 3 days - so today I'm sitting in a 2 hour networking lunch having to blow my nose the whole time and had no tissue. I just kept sniffing. I could picture the snot dripping out my nose. All I had was the white linen napkin at Prestonwood Country Club - and I was about to go for it and blow my nose in that - but gross. Why didn't I just get up and go to the bathroom - I DON'T KNOW. As soon as I got to my car - I blew and blew - it was a great feeling.

Don't be jealous but...

I wore two different shoes to work last week and didn't discover it until 4 hours into my long day. I had a packed day of meetings and had to go buy new shoes. Ya - don't be jealous.

Don't be jealous...but I'm a dork at work.

So do you know the show the Office and the main character - the Branch Manager - Michael Scott. Well, basically he is wack and immature and says crazy stupid stuff all the time and doesn't realize how lame he is. Well, I just realized THAT IS ME!!! At the office I am always trying to make jokes at work, I dance and will sing out loud and call everyone Hookers!! Not exactly professional. What got me today was how often I made gangsta references like Peace Out Homies and my favorite - Word to ya motha.

Do you know how often I yell out "your mother" when someone asks someone else who is on the phone - they are not even talking to me.

I make sales calls all day and when someone is the least bit rude to me - I hang up the phone and yell "Rude! Hooker". Are you wondering why I've not climbed the corporate ladder.

Just today someone told me quote "don't ever do that again." I had just busted out a raise the roof dance move - hands in the air and everything.

It is refreshing. I don't pretend to be anyone I'm not. I say what I mean and mean what I say. And whether they are laughing out of pity for me or not - everyone around me does seem to be laughing. I just hope it is with me and not at me.

So here is a clip of what I look like at work. Dancing around looking crazy. Enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWM2svcYK4I

I'm banning clothes!!

So don't be jealous, but I'm fat. No, don't send me comments saying how I'm not fat or I'm just womanly (another word for fat a**). My son calls me fluffy - but it is still plain old fat. It is not my body or fat that I have an issue with though. It's CLOTHES. They are the enemy or better yet - the people that manufacture these clothes - so let's take for example the Chinese. Don't you have like 4 sizes in your closet that you can wear? Well, so do I. And each time I go to try on clothes - I have to get a bigger size - but I'm not getting fatter!!! The Chinese are doing this to mess with the Americans - really I think I'm onto something. There is a sweet little Chinese woman laughing so hard her green tea is shooting out her nose right now because she is putting a size 12 on a size 6 pair of jeans. I mean - there is no Regulatory system for this, no Federal Administration on sizing. So you walk into Target and try on your size 12 jeans - and you can't get them past your knees and then you're shopping at Lane Bryant. All because those jeans were really a size 6. And the Chinese know we are all hung up on sizing here. So next thing you know you are joining some health club - probably owned by a Chinese business man, eating green tea and tofu - get the picture. I say we don't stand for this anymore and go Pioneer on them and start making all of our own clothes. Go to Joann's - buy the Montgomery Ward pattern or whatever it is called and start making your own little dresses. Then you can put size 2 on all of them and feel better about yourself telling all of your friends that you are a size 2!!

** The above is intended for comedic purposes only. Margaret has nothing against China, Chinese people, Chinese goods or especially Chinese Food. Especially Egg Rolls.

Monday Morning Conversation

Me: Carson, do you want to get in bed with mommy and cuddle?

Carson: No thanks!

At least he was polite about it.